Who’ll Put The Total In Totalitarian?

Much is made by some right wing conservatives of the suggestion that David Cameron is actually a social democrat. While this might not be entirely true, the apparatus of state has continued to grow during his Premiership, possibly as a necessary consequence of having to contend with a major economic recession but probably due to the Coalition’s willing sponsorship of bureaucratic empire building. Bailouts and stimuli have failed to restart the economy and Cammers Liberal Democrat coalition partners have joined Labour in calling for even more intervention because obviously what doesn’t work will not work twice as well if you do twice as much of it. The Tory right counters with claims that the poor could learn traditional skills like cordwaining and oakum pickings and also that masturbation shopuld be a hanging offence.

Both left and right agree however that government is the answer to our current malaise, the left want bigger government, the right favour tougher government. Maybe we just look at all the options. Instead of heeding calls to move to the political centre, to become part of a federal Europe run by unelected bureaucrats perhaps what is needed is total government.

In this article I’m calling for the abandonment of democracy because it’s crap and the establishment of a brutal and repressive authoritarian regime led by the party I formed several years ago, the Liberal Libations Party. Despite our manifesto and campaigns being built around the slogan ‘Bigger drinks for everyone’ we have consistently found that the supposedly democratic system in Britain has been so completely hijacked by corporate interests a new party with new, exciting ideas just has no chance of ever getting its candidates elected to parliament, local councils or the committee of the Campaign For Real Ale. Western nations have tried just about everything that could ever pretend to be democracy and ended up in dystopian social breakdown; maybe it is time we gave totalitarian tyranny a try.

Total control of all aspects of society by the government has been attempted in the past with limited success. The Hanoverian monarchs of the late 18th century tried it, but few people took the despotic kings seriously because they had joke German accents; what with that and their immense powdered wigs and totally gay wardrobes how could they hope to pass themselves of as hard men. Before that Henry VIII had been more successful at totalitarianism but his regime struggled to survive him because he failed to produce a healthy male heir on account of having caught the pox as a young man and passed it on to his son. Henry’s daughter good Queen Bess had the balls for the job but only in a metaphorical sense.

Hitler eliminated the bad fashion sense and gave it another go in the 1940s, yet he too failed to build a system of succession that could survive Churchill’s bombs and Patton’s tanks. Stalin in Russia and Mao in China staged purges and cultural revolutions to force their personality cults into every aspect of every citizen’s life, and ultimately all it got them was a lot of demotivated and dependent citizens.

So why might authoritarian rule suddenly be effective at rebuilding Britain’s fortunes and getting its people back to work? What is it that we have now that we didn’t have in the past that will suddenly make despotism a practical alternative to democracy?

The answer lies, as it usually does, in computers and online social networking.

Barack Obama has just won a second term in office in spite of being the worst American President ever partly because his opponent was a bigger bell end than him but also because just before the election the Amereican government voted to treat Facebook “Likes” and Twitter retweets as votes. Internet social networking and the slavish devotion of more than half the population to their gadgets has given us the infrastructure that will make a dictatorial one-party state work more effectively than it ever could before.

Only last week Microsoft applied for a patent on software that will enable their Kinect consoles to watch you and your mates as you play games. (NB remember to switch off, disconnect the mains and put a heavy cloth over the device before you get down to a bit of rumpy pumpy with the other half or a little auto eroticism while browsing porn sites on your laptop.

The age of Big Brother has arrived. Orwell predicted the Thought Police would put telescreens in our homes, two way televisions that would spy on us. This is worse. Big BFG is scarier than Big Brother because he has no human emotions at all.

But not only can technology spy on us, not only do Google know more about us that our closest friends, technology can control our thoughts. Mussolini had to stand on a balcony and rant for hours to get his point across to fascist Italy. Fuhrer Zuckerberg would merely have to post a daily video on YouTube, maybe send out a few threatening tweets and organize the occasional flash mob to inject his agenda into every corner of the daily life of citizens in Facebook nation .

Imagine, if you can, a utopian paradise slackers where you didn’t have to make any personal decisions or take any responsibility for yourself, where you were told what to eat for breakfast, how to get to work, what time to gather in the canteen for the two minutes hate and when meet in the central square to worship the Dear Leader (in this case me).

You don’t have to decide what shirt to wear today; there are Ian suits provided for you nd every activity. Whatever you have to do next, a text message will be sent to your smart phone telling you which to wear and what to think. Appropriate emotions will be communicate to you via emoticons. You don’t have to debate the merits of Burger King versus McDonald’s, an order has already been placed by a government bureaucrat for the best healthy option for your physical condition to be delivered. If you need a dump simply call up the iShit app and your phone will guide you through the steps..

And it could all be monitored with existing webcams, security cameras, Skype and the Kinect for Xbox 360.

Unemployment, the bane of post industrial societies would be a thing of the past, as the government at all levels would have to hire enough people to monitor everybody’s every move. Terrorists would be neutralized when the likes of Alky Ada got an eyeful of what the all-powerful state does to crush its own citizenry. By the same criteria it will solve the immigration problem too. Starvation and disease will seem like good options to the poor of the third world

There might be some opposition to my plan from the more libertarian elements in the nation but remember I was a libertarian until I realised most people cannot handle liberty. So I thought of that and decided any awkward sods who think liberty is appropriate for everyone and not just me and my mates will be rounded up and sent off to the unused gulags for slags built by the BNP in readiness for their totalitarian takeover. There the whingers can complaining all they want as long as the ruling elite can’t hear them.

This might seem like a radical solution to those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo, MPs, political reporters and such, but I would counter that it’s the kind of fundamental change we need to see us through these desperate times. Now that we have the technology to put the total in totalitarianism, let’s give it a chance.

Boggart Blog UK
Humour and Satire


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