Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Road Wars? Rubber Balls Of Terror, Skipping Ropes Of Mass Destruction?

May 13, 2013

 

You’ll be glad to know that fat sweaty coppers from the Politically Correct Thought Police are keeping you safe in your homes by operating a zero tolerance policy against little girls.

 

And why not, the Labour Prime Minister who ushered in the Politically Correct Thought Police reign of terror promised to be tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. Well crimes are committed by adults and children grow up to be adults so it makes sense to crack down on childhood games and make sure the kinds are well intimidated.

 

Or so it might seem to parents in Kent.

Read full post Road Wars, Rubber Balls Of Terror, Skipping Ropes Of Mass Destruction

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Something new from me at wordpress

May 12, 2013

It seemed like time I put some of my poetry on WordPress but I couldn’t be arsed starting a new blog today, so as this is a satirical blog and I think too much contemporary poetry is miserablist and navel gazing here are a couple of satirical verses. Read the text here or follow the links to hear MP3 audio performances.

Fitness Fanatic’s Blues

Hear the audio version of Fitness Fanatics Blues

I looked in the mirror six months ago,
Saw a man standing there with a big beer belly
My girl said Man you’ve got to lose some weight
All you do is drink beer and watch sport on the tele.
Get youself down to the gymnasium
If you want to stay fit then you’ve got to get wise
Jog every morning work out every night
You can’t drink no more beer, cant eat no more pies.
 

At six every morning I’m out on the road
Rain sun or frost I jog for an hour
But when I get home and tell my girl I feel good
She says get in the bathroom and take a cold shower

I don’t eat potatoes nor pasta or chips
I’ve become a slave to my calorie chart
Health foods and salads keep my weight down
But don’t stand too close ‘cause I’m liable to fart
I’ve been a fitness fanatic for half a year now
My body looks good but I’ve still got the blues
I can’t eat, I don’t drink if I want to get high
I just take a sniff at my training shoes.

 

Boy’s Games

Hear the audio performance of Boy’s Games

He said I am a great stud
A stallion, a bloke
There’s nothing I like better
Than giving girlies a good poke
I eat curry and drink lager,
hate sissy things like art,
 like football, porn and violence;
I curse and belch and fart.

She said I want a strong man
Who will dominate and rule me
Not some weepy new – age wuss,
All that caring doesn’t fool me.
He told her “I hate woofters too
I think they should be shot
So you’re the kind of girl for me
I fancy you a lot.”

And as he took her to his flat
She gazed in adoration
How cruelly reality
Can shatter expectation
For when she tried to be affectionate
And placed his hand upon her thigh
He said “you’re just a cheap slut”
And gave her a black eye.

But still she thought she loved him
She loved his greasy, unwashed hair
 Powerfully muscled shoulders,
And distressed underwear.
She told him “I’m your woman,
I’ll do anything you ask.”
“He replied “I want a woman,
Who can be one of the lads.”

So she dressed in jeans and T-shirt
but it was not enough
He told her “that mascara
Makes you look just like a pouf.”
She said “I am your woman,
Please fill me every night”
So he took her to his local
And filled her up with pints.

She said “let’s go out dancing”
He said “You’ll make me look a fool”
So she followed him to the pub again
And learned how to play pool
Finally he was pleased with her
She had put aside her girlie past
And he thought she was learning
To be a bloke at last.

She begged him “Please make love to me?
Our sex life is a farce.”
So he bent her across the table
And screwed her boyish arse.
 

 

 

<strong>MORE FROM THE GREENTEETH STABLE</strong>
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Not like a bat out of hell. Music to drive safely by

January 8, 2013

In yet another scientific research project aimed at proving science is a career for tossers who like to have lots of time on their hands and do not have enough imagination to fill it intelligently, a bunch of scientists have been researching which songs are the safest to drive to.

Each of the songs in the top ten have an optimum tempo of a song for safe driving, mimicking the human heartbeat at around 60 to 80 beats per minute.

Among the top ten safest songs to drive to are Come Away With Me by Norah Jones, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith and Tiny Dancer by Elton John. Anyone who would listen to that crap would never dare risk going above 30 mph of course so we must assume the science did not extend to looking at the risk of being rear ended by Jeremy Clarkson. Actually I wouldn’t mind read ending Norah Jones myself.

The Scientist by Coldplay and Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River also appeared in the top 10. A song called The Scientist? And it’s by Coldplay. What kind of driver would listen to that? They don’t sell Ladas in this country any more do they? Morris Minor drivers maybe? Tofu noshing G Wiz drivers?

The study, conducted at London Metropolitan University, also revealed the type of songs that cause motorists to drive dangerously.

Now this is what really pisses me off about scientists. FFS why do they insist on trying tell us what we already know and then getting it wrong.

The songs most likely to result in a write off, as any fule kno, are:

Bat Out Of Hell – Meat Loaf,
Paranoid – Black Sabbath,
Born To Run – Bruce Springsteen,

none of which were named by the study.

Having said that, I’ve always like to get my wellie down to O Fortuna from Carmina Burania.

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Forty Seven Point Three Million effing Pounds

November 14, 2012

News today that a Mark Rothko “masterpiece” has sold at Sotherbys for forty seven point three million pounds. The painting, (shown below) enigmatically titled Royal Red and Blue is very similar to one of my own masterpieces I would have been very happy to …

Read full post (with pictures) at Boggart Blog

Forty Seven Point Three Million Effing Pounds

Stupid Science: The 2012 IgNobel Prizes

November 6, 2012

This years IgNobel awards, the annual awards that are presented by the Annals of Improbable Research as a whimsical counterpart to the Nobel Prizes. The Ignobel Prizes are handed out for whacky scientific research projects undertaken in all seriousness by serious scientists who …

Read full post: Ig Nobel Prizes

Back To The Walls Chaps

July 4, 2012

Right now you would not be alone in thinking the world has no greater problems facing is than issues about homosexual rights and same sex marriage.

This ludicrous non issue has now led to the politicisation of ice cream. Ben and Jery’s, the American purveyors of overpriced cold stuff with weird names for its flavours have joined the pro gay marriage propaganda campaign to get hetrosexuality made if not illegal then anti social.

Ben & Jerry’s is renaming its Oh My! Apple Pie shite ice-cream to “Apple-y Ever After” in the U.K., in support of proposed legalization of same-sex nuptials. It has also redesigned the product’s packaging with a motif of two grooms, turd burglars in Tuxedos, atop a wedding cake. The company is working in partnership with Stonewall, the Gay Rights Campaigning organisation, to raise awareness about the importance of marriage equality.

This is blatant politcisation of our sexual relations.

Fortunately it gives us another opportunity to boycott a crap American brand that markets it’s overpriced products with campaigns desined to appeal to the young and gullibe.

So Boggart Blog is launching a counter campaign to woo people back to Britain’s favourite brand, Walls. (What? You though our title was a blatant piece of queer baiting? Shame on you.) and maintain the status quo.

Ben and Jerry’s might find their move backfires however. Logo, an American cable company which showed exclusively LGBT focussed content (hang on? do they mean gay porn?) has released a preview of their demographic’s reaction to the rebranded ice cream. Early data points showed that more than half of gay viewers don’t consider showcasing their orientation a priority, and only 30% said they preferred living and socializing in exclusively gay communities.

“Keeping gay people ghettoised is an old idea,” a spokesperson said. I wish someonme would tell Peyter-everyone-wants-t-punch-hios-face-Tatchell.

Undaunted, Ben and Jerry has set up a Facebook app which enables you to ‘practise’ marrying someone of your own sex to ‘show solidarity’. No thanks, I found it difficult to marry someone of the opposite sex in a church. And it wasn’t the person but the church that made me uncomfortable.

While urging you to boycott Ben and Jerry’s Mrs T and I will not be joing the boycott. It is nothing to do with us giving a flying fuck either way about same sex marriage, we don’t, nor do we like being told what to think by self righteous lefties (or self leftuous righties for that matter) but because we cannot boyott something we never buy.

Whether you like ice cream as an occasional treat or comsume it by the bucketfull as therapy for emotional crises, we advise you to go back to the Walls. Or if walls is not to your taste then Lyons, or a supermarket own brand (premium products are usually very good and Marks and Spencers stuff is excellent.

Or you can do something like wot me and Mrs T do when we want ice cream. We go to a little shop in Chatburn in The Ribble Valley and buy home made icream that contins wonderful cream and butter from Ribble Valley cows, eggs from Ribble Valley chickens and real fruit, chocolate and honey. You will find local makers in your area.

The revolution starts here Boggart Blog readers. We will fight tem on the beaches, we will fight them on the streets and in the supermarkets, we will fight them in our fridges. We will never bend to Ben and Jerry’s political agenda.

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Australia’s Buxom Bandit Is Not A Stupid Criminal Of The Week

July 3, 2012

As we are in the process of moving from blog.co,uk to wordpress it is necessary to tell you we have for a long time featured Stupid Criminal Of The Week  posts. There are a few recent ones at the bottom of this article but the full list can be found HERE..

We like to bring you a “Stupid Criminal Of The Week” post as often as is possible but this week’s internet viral crim is really not stupid.

The Buxom Bandit who robbed a petrol station in Queensland, Australia was not brandishing a gun, instead she was carrying two even more effective weapons as the Buxom Bandit clip on You Tube shows (you have to wait until about 25 seconds in before the annoying ad disappears)

The kind of heavy artillery this girl was pointing at her victim was guaranteed to make any teenage petrol station attendant surrender and lock himself in the toilets for a few minutes.

Local media said the incident occurred just after midnight on Monday. Australian television reports dubbed the woman “the buxom bandit”, due to her revealing clothing and ample supply of busty substances.

Closed circuit television shown on Nine Network showed the blonde robber walking into the petrol station, before brandishing a knife (amongst other things) in front of attendant.

The “buxom bandit” was handed $350 AUD (£228), according to police. An investigation into the crime is ongoing.

You might think she qualifies as a stupid criminal because she did not cover her face. We say, “Who’s looking at her face?”

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Stupid Criminal Of The Week: Eye, Eye, Eye, You’re Nicked
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Tony Blair – Sex God

October 19, 2010

Barack Obama got the Nobel peace prize for being so limp wristed nobody would ever be cruel enough to fight him. Not to be outdone the other great political phoney Tony Blair is an unlikely nominee for the The Literary Review’s annual Bad Sex writing award for being so limp dicked nobosy can imagine him having sex. Given the now infamous claim from Mrs Blair that Old Tone was up for it five times a night that must be an awful lot of bad sex so he obviously had plenty to choose from.
read fatslly’s post on
Tony Blair The Sex Bomb

Nanny State On Suicide Watch

October 16, 2010

Reports are just coming in of a dramatic incident at the Palace of Westminster. It seems a mythical woman has been prevented by fire brigade and police officers from committing suicide by impaling herself on John Redwood’s pointed ears.

The woman, whose real name is not know but who has previously been referred to by the media as Nanny State became distraught as David Cameron announced a new government policy aimed at dismantling the …

read full post Breaking News – Nanny State On Suicide Watch

Sleeping With Conservatives

July 9, 2010

What I find disturbing about all this is the American belief that we must hate all those who differ from us politically and only communicate with them by shouting “fascist” across an ever widening divide as they shout back “limp wristed namby pamby diorreah dollop.” When I was politically active as a member and Council candidate in the Liberal Party it was possible to have a drink and trade comical canvassing tales with members of the Labour and Conservative parties. Labour were a bit more difficult, aside from their authoritarian tendencies they were simply unable to understand how people could possibly hold a different opinion to theirs but apart from that and being bar shy they could be OK…

read full post:
Sleeping With Conservatives – humour / humor


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